Husband, Wife and Ramadhan
In respect of this blessed month of Ramadhan, this great month, we are doing some reflecting in the light of the Qur’an and Hadith and going through some of our concerns prior to Dhikr, because this month has come to refresh our whole Deen. And Deen isn’t just about one thing; there are different aspects and sectors and subjects of the Deen – and every area of the Deen is very important. Every part of the Deen is essential, for it delivers us to Paradise – and each aspect could also take a person towards the hellfire if not practiced correctly. So a person cannot just place their hopes in one thing or stick to one thing and say that this is the whole Deen. {ٱدۡخُلُواْ فِى ٱلسِّلۡمِ ڪَآفَّةً۬} – Allah ta’ala says ‘Come into the Deen completely.’ And Allah ta’ala has given Ramadhan for this objective in order that it can refresh every part of the Deen. Alhamdulillah, when the Deen reaches us, we get an opportunity during these thirty days to correct and improve it.
This is called spending the time of Ramadhan in the right way; we shouldn’t ignore the defects and weaknesses within us and say ‘Oh, I have just kept a fast.’ What fast have you kept? If you have kept a fast, then you need to correct your Deen, just as Ramadhan says. Ramadhan does not just mean abstaining from food and drink. The patient in hospital has also left food and drink if the doctor tells him he cannot eat. We don’t eat from the morning to the evening, but that patient cannot eat until he is well, so this is not an achievement in itself. Allah ta’ala has given us this additional action so that a person can become illuminated and refined within, and then it becomes easy for him to practice. To consider that Deen and fasting is just about not eating and drinking is not the case; don’t think ‘We start the fast with a date and end the fast with a date, and that is the end of the story.’ Understand the meaning of fasting.
So in Deen, everything is connected to Akhlaq – character, conduct and manners. You know this – the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam has told us this himself. So Akhlaq is such a great thing, and within this, the biggest thing is to mend the ties, to maintain the ties – say SubhanAllah. SubhanAllah – I refresh you with Allah’s praise, and I also become refreshed through this, so that you can understand, and so that I can explain to you. So are you paying attention to what I am saying? Yes, you are tired, but when will we meet again? There are only two weeks left. Allah ta’ala is allowing us to hear, so let us listen – may Allah ta’ala give us the understanding. So if we think now about this - what is the most important thing? Mending the ties and maintaining the ties. And what is the highest level in this area, which is the root and the foundation of this whole subject, the key point? What is that? It is the husband and wife – say SubhanAllah. The husband and wife. If it were not for a husband and wife, you wouldn’t be here, would you? In society, the husband and wife is the most important factor – the whole Deen and society is founded upon the husband and wife.
A wedding should be approached just as we approach Ramadhan. Getting married is not just to fulfill our Nafsy passions that have otherwise been prohibited in the Qur’an – no. The purpose of getting married is that the man and woman have each other as partners, and that through this marriage, you attain the Ni’mahs that Allah ta’ala gives you - and that is children. If is not for fulfilling desires and for the enjoyment of the Nafs – remember this point. We won’t recite this particular verse of the Qur’an now, but this is a very important relationship, very important. Everything that a person becomes is due to the Tarbiyyah of the mother, the lap of the mother. Any Wali, Qutb, Ghawth or Qayyum is enabled through the lap and womb of the mother. Thieves, bandits, robbers – these too come from the Tarbiyyah of the mother; in fact from both the lap of the mother, and the love of the father. Allah ta’ala has instilled such an element in the Tarbiyyah of the child that must be done correctly through the lap of the mother and the love of the father. Even the love of the father can spoil the children, for if the father’s love is spoiled, then the child gets spoiled – and also, if the mother’s love is spoiled, then the child gets spoiled. So if you just say ‘Oh, it’s okay – this is for the sake of the child’, then know that you can take the measurement of the wrong kind of love and the right kind of love from whether your child is following the straight path from the time of their birth.
Don’t think ‘Oh, we’ll give Tarbiyyah when the child grows up’ – no, no. At the time when there seems to be no understanding, there is understanding – do you understand what I am saying? Even when we think there is no understanding, actually there is understanding – science proves this. The child takes hold of everything and catches everything and absorbs everything. When the mother and father fight and quarrel, the child absorbs this; it catches the moods, it catches the swearing and the arguments. We think that they will only understand this later, but no – the understanding is there at that time. Your actions, and what you do in front of the child, shape that child, and that is why it is stated that when a man gets married, he should change totally. That’s it, because now a big responsibility is coming towards him. After a few months, Allah subhana wa ta'ala will give him something, and then that is it, he has to take a different direction. They both have to change their direction; if they do not change and improve themselves from whatever he or she was before the marriage, they are not just spoiling themselves, rather they are destroying the generation that is to come, and we will have to give account to Allah for this. So now do you understand the importance, the great importance, of this relationship between the husband and the wife?
Now if this relationship is strong, alhamdulillah, and if Allah ta’ala instills Barakah, and if success comes through this relationship, then SubhanAllah, the whole subject of maintaining the ties comes through this relationship. Wider society is made, the whole of society, through the home. How? The house that a woman goes to live in is representative of the house she has come from – she will give Tarbiyyah to her children in the way that she received this from the lap of her mother and the love of her father. It has a big effect on the child, and this becomes visible in the daughter when she gets married and moves out – the habits transfer. Everyone expresses these desires ‘I want to make my child a Hafidh, I want to make my daughter this or that’, but it does not come like that; first you have to improve yourself and change yourself. And in a house where there are arguments and fights and quarrels, then destruction is there, and the children also go toward destruction. Yes? They become affected mentally and may leave the Deen and go against Allah subhana wa ta'ala. If they go away from Allah, all of the fault lies with who? With that couple. And when he is presented to Allah ta’ala and is accused of saying dirty things, he will say ‘Oh, what could I do? My mother and father taught me this – they didn’t do my Tarbiyyah’ – and then all of those sins go onto the head of the parents.
You may think ‘What has this got to do with Ramadhan? Speak about Ramadhan and the Thawab of Iftar’ and so on – but my style is a little bit different, SubhanAllah. Everybody knows how much Thawab there is in the time of Iftar and how the angels descend. I will tell you today what relationship there is between Ramadhan and this relationship between the husband and wife. I was reading Surah al-Baqarah, SubhanAllah, and when I got to one particular verse, I stopped. This was today, after Jumu’ah. I stopped and said ‘Oh, this is a very valuable verse!’ This was coming in the light of Ramadhan, and we had never thought about the relationship between this relationship and Ramadhan, so I thought about it and pondered over it and I am sharing that with you, presenting it to you. The verse is a bit long, but I will recite it – if there is a mistake, please correct it because I am not a Hafidh. You may like it if I can recite it correctly and remember it.
So what link is there between Ramadhan and the husband-wife relationship; there must be some connection, mustn’t there? That is why I am speaking about it. This relationship is so valuable, so what does Allah ta’ala say about it? Think. {أُحِلَّ لَڪُمۡ لَيۡلَةَ ٱلصِّيَامِ} Allah says ‘I have made something Halal for you – when? SubhanAllah – in the nights of Ramadhan. { أُحِلَّ لَڪُمۡ } In other words, everything that Allah ta’ala had stopped, Allah is saying specifically {أُحِلَّ لَڪُمۡ لَيۡلَةَ ٱلصِّيَامِ} that this is now lawful. Allah is saying ‘I am making something Halal for you in these very valuable nights, Halal.’ What is Allah saying? Allah is saying ‘You can do this’ – and without doubt, if Allah ta’ala is making something Halal, then there must be a big narrative behind this. What is Allah ta’ala making Halal in the night, in the nights of Ramadhan, one of which is Laylat-ul-Qadr? Everything is valuable in those nights of Ramadhan - all their moments are valuable. SubhanAllah – Ajeeb, unique! So what is Allah ta’ala making Halal {أُحِلَّ لَڪُمۡ لَيۡلَةَ ٱلصِّيَامِ}? What I am explaining to you comes in these words:
{أُحِلَّ لَڪُمۡ لَيۡلَةَ ٱلصِّيَامِ ٱلرَّفَثُ إِلَىٰ نِسَآٮِٕكُمۡ}
Allah is saying ‘I am making it Halal for you to go to your wives without any hindrance or barrier.’ In these valuable nights, does Allah ta’ala say ‘Beware, don’t go there – stay on the prayer mat’? No – what does Allah ta’ala say? He says ‘It is lawful for you to go to your wives in the night; this is Halal for you.’ So there is a Hikmah in this, and what is the Hikmah that Allah ta’ala has placed in this? It is that this is such a great relationship, and to strengthen it, Allah ta’ala has given us these thirty days. Don’t stay detached from her. If you were to be cut off from her for thirty days, a Fitnah would be created and a weakness in the relationship might occur. This relationship is so important that during the nights, you need to keep the relationship going, SubhanAllah. Maintain it, because this is a very dangerous relationship – shaytan makes a lot attacks through it.
Hadhrat Jabir radhiAllahu anh relates a Hadith in Miskat that explains how shaytan does everything he can to attack human beings and take them towards wrong. So what does shaytan do? He lays his foundations in the ocean and calls all his trained side-kicks to go and do their work and then return to him and report back to tell him what Fitnah they spread around the countries of the world. These shaytans are told to spread Fitnah and strife across the whole world – murder, plundering, bad atmosphere, sins, and vice – and then to come back in the evening to give shaytan their reports. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam said ‘When the side-kick shayateen come back and say they have incited murder and this or that sin, shaytan says ‘You have done nothing – nothing at all.’ Then another side-kick says ‘I have done something’, so shaytan says ‘What was that?’ He says ‘I went to a husband and wife, and I injected bad feeling and strife between them and did not leave them alone until divorce was pronounced. At this, shaytan stands up from his throne and embraces him’ –Rasooullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam is telling us this – ‘and says “You have done the right work. You have achieved and have done such a big action, because you have destroyed the generations by poisoning that relationship and making them divorce”’ And then Allah’s Nabi sallallahu alayhi wasallam stated that this is the worst and most dangerous thing for a human being.
So Allah ta’ala is saying that you should not leave each other for thirty days and detach in a way that would create Fitnah and separation. Allah ta’ala is keeping the husband and wife close in this way, Allahu Akbar. Allah says {أُحِلَّ لَڪُمۡ لَيۡلَةَ ٱلصِّيَامِ ٱلرَّفَثُ إِلَىٰ نِسَآٮِٕكُمۡۚ هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ۬ لَّكُمۡ} Allah is saying that the love and relationship can be maintained in this way so that Fitnah does not arise. So one point that comes from here, a hint that is made here, is that in every way and form, this relationship must be maintained and kept strong. Every means must be taken to ensure that the relationship does not become weak. When a man and a woman come into Nikah, it must be maintained and strengthened, and there should be effort made by both sides. No Fitnah should be allowed to enter into this relationship, for a big destruction ensues if this does occur. Ramadhan is giving this message.
And then what does the verse say further? {هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ۬ لَّكُمۡ} ‘They are a garment for you.’ In other words ‘Your wife is a garment for you, {وَأَنتُمۡ لِبَاسٌ۬ لَّهُنَّ} and you, oh man are a garment for the woman.’ Allahu Akbar. What does Libaas, a garment, mean here? The commentators have said a beautiful thing. For example, you wear clothes and I am wearing clothes, but if a man takes his shirt off, you can start seeing that there are defects, a boil, a mole, or someone may have had a stomach operation and the scar is visible, or there may be some other disfigurement - but the Libaas, the garment, hides those defects of the whole body. SubhanAllah. The quality of clothes is that they conceal your defects. They can also make you look beautiful, but the first function of clothes is to hide your defects, and they also create Haya, modesty and shame. As soon as the clothes come off, your shame disappears. The first thing that happens to a person who loses their shame is that their clothes come off.
So Allah says {هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ۬ لَّكُمۡ وَأَنتُمۡ لِبَاسٌ۬ لَّهُنَّ} ‘The wife is like a garment for you, and you are like a garment for your wife’ – in other words, you are so close and attached to each other that you conceal each other’s defects. And what is the warning from the Qur’an here? It is ‘Beware - don’t do such an action that you go and tell of each other’s deficiencies.’ So the wife should not say of the husband ‘He does this to me, and he doesn’t give me that, and he won’t do this with me.’ Rather, what does Allah say? He says you should hide your husband’s defects just like your clothes hide your defects. And in the same way, Allah is saying ‘Oh man, keep your wife’s defects secret; conceal them and do not tell other people. Hide them as Libaas hides defects.’ {هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ۬ لَّكُمۡ وَأَنتُمۡ لِبَاسٌ۬ لَّهُنَّ} – both things have been explained here.
So one thing highlighted by the verse is the importance of maintaining this relationship and keeping it strong and not letting it break, and the second thing that is explained is that we should not share each other’s secrets with wider society. Don’t complain about your husband to others, and do not complain about your wife to others – as far as possible, keep these matters secret between yourselves. Both these things are such a big Ibadah, and they require such a great Mujahidah and effort which you will not see in any other Ibadah. Yes? It is not easy to do this. Put all your other Ibadah to one side – everyone can do this. But if you have such a husband that doesn’t give you your rights, who abuses you, who swears at you, who makes you upset, how hard it is for that wife to live with such a husband. And the Qur’an tells the wife not to tell other people about his defects and to have Sabr, patience, and to bring up your children with Sabr, and to take your time and not be in a rush – and the reward that Allah gives for this in Ramadhan is massive! Massive.
Practice this – look how Ramadhan makes us practice this. There are extremely high and valuable rewards for both the husband and the wife that can be gained from this relationship that comes from Allah subhana wa ta'ala. You select and do Istakharah for the marriage, but you don’t know about the person you have got married to until after. Allah ta’ala has written in your destiny that this person will be your partner, so the knot gets tied and the Deen continues like this. The Deen becomes so strong, and the relationship becomes so strong, so don’t just call your mum or dad over tiny little points and complain ‘Oh, he did this’, or the husband phones his parents or complains to his relatives and other people. But Allah says that this is an extremely bad action to do, to let the secrets go beyond the home. This is not Deen. You may be praying Salah and going on Hajj and doing other acts of worship besides, but this is not Deen. If you have crushed the biggest pillar of Deen, then what are you wandering around doing after that? What Salah have you got, what Hajj, what fasting, what Ramadhan? Nothing. You have crushed the real Deen; you have suppressed it and have destroyed the generations that are to come.
But if a person perseveres with this Mujahidah throughout his life, then a great reward has been set aside for that person. Allah’s Nabi sallallahu alayhi wasallam has told us in a Sahih Hadith about what a massive reward there is. “خَيْرُكُمْ خَيْرُكُمْ لِأَهْلِهِ وَأَنَا خَيْرُكُمْ لِأَهْلِي” This is the Hadith, a Sahih Bukhari Hadith, SubhanAllah. Allah’s Nabi sallallahu alayhi wasallam states ‘The best human being is he who is best with his family.’ Ibadah is not mentioned in this Hadith – this is Akhlaq. ‘The best human being is he who is best with his family, who is good with his family’ – he is the best human being. In Akhlaq, in conduct, in manners, in perseverance, in endurance, even if it is a small thing. He has patience and he waits, thinking ‘I have to maintain this relationship; I have to keep it going; I have to bring up my children properly and take this relationship right to the end. I am not going to break it over small things.’ Even a small thing has a big mission behind it, because you are being told ‘You have live your life with this woman, and if you don’t like what she is saying or doing, whatever, you need to maintain that tie. Allah ta’ala has given you this target, so good – carry on now.’
So you need to please your wife and you need to worship Allah subhana wa ta'ala. You need to keep her happy and you also need to go on Hajj – but look at your family first. Before going on Hajj, ask - is your wife happy with you? Are the members of your family happy with you? Are they content? Have you supplied them with what they need? It is not as simple as just giving a divorce. Yes, it is permissible, but in the Hadith it says that of all the permissible things, that which is disliked the most is divorce, to break the tie of marriage. Yes, if there are very severe conditions and it is very difficult indeed, so extremely difficult that there is totally no way out, no solution and no other way, only right at the end of the line is that step of divorce taken – otherwise, you should be mending the tie and maintaining the tie, keeping it going. On every footstep of this path, there is Paradise – the Thawab of several Hajj is available for every footstep of marriage, the Thawab of fasting several Ramadhans can be gained from every footstep of marriage. We don’t even realise the rewards that can be attained.
So this is the real point that we learn here. The real Ibadah of the friends of Allah is maintaining the ties, keeping the relationships, good conduct, good manners. Look how Allah’s Nabi sallallahu alayhi wasallam did Tarbiyyah of his children. What a great point he made. He said that when the mother and father get together, and then do the Tarbiyyah of their children and bring them up correctly and maintain the ties, then Rasoolulah sallallahu alayhi wasallam explained that you cannot get the Thawab for this from any other Ibadah. If you think about the reward that Allah’s Nabi sallallahu alayhi wasallam stated in the Hadith, where he said that any individual who brings up two daughters correctly, SubhanAllah, and does Tarbiyyah of his daughters in the right way, with Sulook and teaching them the right manners, then he said ‘That person will be as close to me in Jannah as my two fingers are close to each other’ – and then he showed his two fingers together. Allahu Akbar! He said this about two daughters, and if you have got more than two daughters, if you have three daughters, then SubhanAllah, then Allah ta’ala has reserved even more reward there. And this special reward is for what? The woman is said to be weak and tender, but this is not mentioned for the son. What is the reason for this? Think about it. The woman’s Tarbiyyah is specially mentioned here because she has to go to another house when she gets married. She has to move to another home and continue that work, and so these daughters that we are afraid of are such a valuable thing.
We are afraid of having daughters, and when a daughter is born, very few people give out sweets – whereas before the son is even born, boxes of sweets are being distributed. Alhamdulillah, that is a good thing – nothing wrong with that. But what is the reason here that Allah’s Nabi sallallahu alayhi wasallam preferred that you bring up your daughters well? How else will Deen continue? Our Hadhrat rahmatullah alayh had three daughters, MashaAllah. He had three children, and they passed away in the love of Allah. Three daughters, SubhanAllah – and with this Sunnah, Allah ta’ala also gave me three daughters with the Fadhl of Allah. SubhanAllah – so we see the benefits of this if you do the Tarbiyyah of three daughters and bring them up correctly and give them good education and upbringing and teaching. Look at the generations and how life passes through, and this is all about Tarbiyyah. Crush your desires and your longings and your wants. Tarbiyyah is not about asking the child what she wants and then giving her whatever she asks for – this is not Tarbiyyah. Tabiyyah is this, that after departing the world, she also gives birth to children who believe in Allah and His Rasool sallallahu alayhi wasallam and who obey them and follow Rasool sallallahu alayhi wasallam. This is Tarbiyyah - that a Wali and a Ghawth is born from such a child. We should think ‘Ya Allah, I have got a mission that I want to make Walis from the children that you give to me!’
Alhamdulillah, even today there are such people present that the parents change themselves prior to the child being born, and the target of the mother becomes this, that ‘Oh Allah, I want to live a life that makes my children Ghulams of Your Habeeb sallallahu alayhi wasallam, so that my child follows the Sunnah.’ All of their love and their playing and their clothes are directed towards this. As soon as the child is born, they say ‘I want to treat my child in such a way that they live their life like this.’ There are women like this – I can show you many women like this. In this day and age and in this country, you can find such women. The difference is what? It is that we think that Deen is just confined to the Masjid, but if you sit in the company of the Faqirs, of the Walis of Allah, they do not consider Deen just as worship - rather the whole of life are branches of the Deen, SubhanAllah. Their parents told them that everything is an aspect of the Deen. In the gatherings of the Wali of Allah, you don’t just get told one thing. All the subjects are taught so that the complete Madhhab and Deen is learned, so that we can be successful in every subject and in every factor of life.
So Ramadhan tells us this today, alhamdulillah, that this great relationship is not a minor thing. You have to maintain this relationship, and this is a great Ibadah and a great worship. If every woman has the intention to bring up her children for this reason, to make them a Hafidh and a Qari and a Wali of Allah, then, my brothers, the result of this comes out. But for this, you have to do Mujahidaat and strive and make effort. You may have to endure hunger, poverty, people swearing at you and mocking you, but Allah has reserved a reward for this, and it is not a small reward, is it? What has been stated? You will get that same love of Allah’s Nabi sallallahu alayhi wasallam, and you will be in his neighborhood – you be as close to him as two fingers are close. How close this is, we do not know. What a great Maqam if a person gets this through this Ibadah and gives up everything to maintain this relationship!
So this verse is very valuable, and Allah has presented this to us in the light of Ramadhan. And Allah has given us this permission not for the sake of passions and desires, but rather so that during Ramadhan, the relationship retains its Barakah and blessings. And remember this, that during Ramadhan, there is a lot of friction between husband and wife – the Nafs creates that; there is a lot of Fasaad. When it is time for food at Sehri time, he says ‘Why did you cook this food’ or ‘Why didn’t you make this.’ This is especially the case when the stomach is empty and the Nafs overpowers the man, so then the husband and wife start fighting and quarrelling in the house. But in the beginning of Ramadhan, Allah ta’ala says we should control ourselves strongly. The best person is he whose children bear witness in the Hereafter and say ‘My father was good and gave me good Tarbiyyah and brought me towards the Deen and saved me. He made big sacrifices for me and did not allow a single morsel of Haram to come into my blood. He didn’t allow a single morsel of Haram food to go into my blood system. He worked hard and struggled to earn Halal income so that not a morsel of Haram food would go inside me.’ And when the blood is clean, then a person gets the enjoyment of remembering Allah – this is where it starts from.
This is the biggest responsibility of the father, to earn Halal, just like the biggest responsibility of the mother is to instill the love of Allah into the child from her lap, from her company. In the same way, the man has his responsibility. The whole Deen is made how? From a person’s food, from what he eats. And this is a topic of Ramadhan – this will come, and Ramadhan will also train us on this point. Everything of a human being, all of his actions, are made from the food that he eats. If he eats Halal food from Halal earnings, then you will see the Deen emerge. You can get a Hafidh from Haram earnings, and you can get an Alim from Haram, and you can get a Mufti from Haram, and you can rear children and become a Sheikh or a Pir, but all of these will be fake. The Hafidh, the Qari, the Mufti, the Pir – they will be like flowers growing from a weak place. You see some flowers that grow from a weak plant. Those flowers have weak stems and weak branches, because they don’t have the power and the strength. There is no vitality in the soil, although it may give a few mangos. But if you have such a Hafidh and a Qari and a Pir who is made from a weak plant, from Haram Rizq, then Fitnah will be spread by that person. All of that sin will go onto the father, who will be asked ‘You made him an Alim, but did you not think that you should have placed Halal Rizq inside him? Why did you feed him Haram?’ So the father will understand then. If he had had the Tarbiyyah of a true friend of Allah, then as soon as he was born, he would swear by Allah and say ‘Today, the door of Haram is closed.’ And the mother is prepared for this also and says ‘If you are doing this for the sake of the children, then I will never ask for gold or silver or clothes or powder or make-up from you. I will stay hungry, but you earn Halal for our children, and I will teach them in my lap so that ‘Qala Qala Rasoolullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam’ will come out of their mouths.’ SubhanAllah.
Do you understand what I am saying? We complain, and we get up and make this and that complaint about our children, but understand the principles involved here. When a farmer sows a seed, he looks at the soil. When you get married, it is not just about lust and enjoying yourselves – to a certain extent, yes – but the real objective that the Qur’an is telling us is that the relationship with your wife is a great Ibadah. Both Makkah and Madinah will be present in your home. Either Paradise or hellfire can come into your home. This is such a relationship that generations will continue until Qiyamah from it, but we do not know about our Rizq. If the father does not save his income from Haram, then he takes his children towards the other side; he directs them towards high status in the world, saying ‘I don’t want people to say that my son does not have good clothes or has not had a good education. I want to give him many houses and properties!’
Oh, son of man, have you ever seen someone leaving the world with a house or a property? If you give your son a house, he won’t even give you water to drink if he was brought up in a Haram way. There will be no satisfaction in that home, even if it is claimed ‘He is a Hafidh, he is this he is that.’ Such a Hafidh that comes out from there will also be based in Haram and will spread Fitnah and Fasaad – they will sit on the Mimbar and spread Fitnah to the people. Their Pirs will be saying the wrong things to people and will spread Bida’aat and Haram; they will sit on the Mimbar and say Haram words. Why? Because they were brought up for the wrong purpose and they didn’t have Halal Rizq in their bodies. When those with Halal Rizq sit on the Mimbar of Rasoolullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam, then SubhanAllah, such light will come from his tongue that just through one Nasihah, thousands of people’s hearts are changed for the better. When such a Sheikh comes, from just one Tawajjuh of his upon the gathering, he will wash their hearts.
Do you think it is a minor thing, for the Imam to stand on the Musalla? Is the Qur’an and ‘Ilm a small thing? Will it not have an impact? It has a high impact, and a person should tremble. The Qur’an is in the hearts, but some people today, Astaghfirullah, even in Ramadhan, they are lying, doing fraud, fighting quarrelling and having disputes. Such words come out that a person would think ‘Could there be Qur’an inside this person? Is there knowledge inside of him?’ There is such disobedience and such wrong actions, even against the mother and father, dishonouring them, swearing at the mother. The Qur’an is in their heart, but they are stood there swearing at their mother and dishonouring and disrespecting their father, despite the ‘Ilm that has been given to them. Why? Because that child did not grow up with Halal Rizq. Astaghfirullah, Astaghfirullah, it is not the fault of the ‘Ilm or of the Qur’an. Rather, we put that Qur’an in the wrong place, on the wrong rail, on the wrong shelf. You have put the Qur’an into an impure heart, and you will get a separate punishment for that.
Today, I am sharing this Masa’alah from what I read in the Qur’an – have I read it correctly brothers? Do you understand what I am saying? So I thought to myself ‘Let me just stop there and talk about this.’ This is a reality and truth. Ramadhan has given us this message, and if in this Ramadhan we have pondered and reflected and done Tawbah today, if we think about this and correct your path today, then through the Barakah of Ramadhan, your whole year will be corrected. Today, we swear at the children and say ‘I made you a scholar and I did this for you and that for you’ – this is a statement you hear from the men to their children. ‘I sacrificed for you, I spent time for you, I did this for you.’ You did not do anything for your children, oh man! You should just do one action for your children, one action: do not feed your children Haram, do not go towards their Haram desires and give them Haram food. Give Halal food.
I swear by Allah, nobody can change the laws of Allah. It cannot be that you get an apple from the branch of a mango tree. Can this happen? No. If you sow the seed into Haram soil, then the colour will not take effect, and it doesn’t matter how much Qur’an they read or how much Qira’at you teach them. Whatever you do, it does not matter – there can be no success. For this, the first thing a person needs to do is to crush his own desires in order to get the fruit from that tree. First, he has to stay hungry himself and crush his desires and enjoyment, thinking ‘Rather than feed my son Haram, I will stay hungry myself and eat properly myself.’ You can’t do Tarbiyyah if you leave your home for ten or fifteen years, not knowing where your wife is. The uncles and aunties are bringing up the children, and you are going somewhere else. Can someone else do the Tarbiyyah of your children? If others do the Tarbiyyah, who will give the answer for this? Yes? My words may be severe and strict, but even if you don’t find anything to eat where you are living, first give the Tarbiyyah to your son and your daughter – this is your duty. Could it be that maybe Halal has not gone into that child? Maybe that is why the child is doing wrong. So how can it be that Allah gives me a gift of children, and then I assign their Tarbiyyah to someone else – can this happen? This is a big mistake in society today. We just have one objective in front of ourselves today, to do Hajj, to do Umrah, and when Ramadhan comes to keep the fast and do this Ibadah and that Ibadah. Where is the Deen of your family? You don’t know about your wife, your children and your family.
So the Qur’an is telling us this today, SubhanAllah. Allah says {أُحِلَّ لَڪُمۡ لَيۡلَةَ ٱلصِّيَامِ ٱلرَّفَثُ} – ‘I have made your wives lawful for you.’ What is the philosophy behind this? This is so that your relationship with your wife becomes stronger and so that you have more love between you and so that the generations can increase, and so that those that are born from you have more capacity to do good if you can do their Tarbiyyah in the right way.
May Allah ta’ala give us all the Tawfeeq to do proper Amal on these beautiful points of Ramadhan, so that we can correct ourselves and others. It is not hard to correct the household – you just have to give up a few things for this. And why are you giving things up? To please Allah. And don’t think that when you make sacrifices to please Allah that there is no reward – no. If for Allah’s sake, you please Allah in this matter, what a great reward there is. Rasoolullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam says ‘You will be with me as close as these two fingers are close to each other.’ Tell me, can you get this for any other Ibadah? Has Rasoolullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam said that you will be as close to him as two fingers after doing Hajj, or as close to him as two fingers after doing Umrah? Did he say that? Did he say that you would be as close to him as two fingers if you stay awake all night long in Ibadah? He never said that. He said this about such an Ibadah that your whole life is spent with this Ibadah.
May Allah ta’ala give us all the Tawfeeq. Ameen.
In respect of this blessed month of Ramadhan, this great month, we are doing some reflecting in the light of the Qur’an and Hadith and going through some of our concerns prior to Dhikr, because this month has come to refresh our whole Deen. And Deen isn’t just about one thing; there are different aspects and sectors and subjects of the Deen – and every area of the Deen is very important. Every part of the Deen is essential, for it delivers us to Paradise – and each aspect could also take a person towards the hellfire if not practiced correctly. So a person cannot just place their hopes in one thing or stick to one thing and say that this is the whole Deen. {ٱدۡخُلُواْ فِى ٱلسِّلۡمِ ڪَآفَّةً۬} – Allah ta’ala says ‘Come into the Deen completely.’ And Allah ta’ala has given Ramadhan for this objective in order that it can refresh every part of the Deen. Alhamdulillah, when the Deen reaches us, we get an opportunity during these thirty days to correct and improve it.
This is called spending the time of Ramadhan in the right way; we shouldn’t ignore the defects and weaknesses within us and say ‘Oh, I have just kept a fast.’ What fast have you kept? If you have kept a fast, then you need to correct your Deen, just as Ramadhan says. Ramadhan does not just mean abstaining from food and drink. The patient in hospital has also left food and drink if the doctor tells him he cannot eat. We don’t eat from the morning to the evening, but that patient cannot eat until he is well, so this is not an achievement in itself. Allah ta’ala has given us this additional action so that a person can become illuminated and refined within, and then it becomes easy for him to practice. To consider that Deen and fasting is just about not eating and drinking is not the case; don’t think ‘We start the fast with a date and end the fast with a date, and that is the end of the story.’ Understand the meaning of fasting.
So in Deen, everything is connected to Akhlaq – character, conduct and manners. You know this – the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam has told us this himself. So Akhlaq is such a great thing, and within this, the biggest thing is to mend the ties, to maintain the ties – say SubhanAllah. SubhanAllah – I refresh you with Allah’s praise, and I also become refreshed through this, so that you can understand, and so that I can explain to you. So are you paying attention to what I am saying? Yes, you are tired, but when will we meet again? There are only two weeks left. Allah ta’ala is allowing us to hear, so let us listen – may Allah ta’ala give us the understanding. So if we think now about this - what is the most important thing? Mending the ties and maintaining the ties. And what is the highest level in this area, which is the root and the foundation of this whole subject, the key point? What is that? It is the husband and wife – say SubhanAllah. The husband and wife. If it were not for a husband and wife, you wouldn’t be here, would you? In society, the husband and wife is the most important factor – the whole Deen and society is founded upon the husband and wife.
A wedding should be approached just as we approach Ramadhan. Getting married is not just to fulfill our Nafsy passions that have otherwise been prohibited in the Qur’an – no. The purpose of getting married is that the man and woman have each other as partners, and that through this marriage, you attain the Ni’mahs that Allah ta’ala gives you - and that is children. If is not for fulfilling desires and for the enjoyment of the Nafs – remember this point. We won’t recite this particular verse of the Qur’an now, but this is a very important relationship, very important. Everything that a person becomes is due to the Tarbiyyah of the mother, the lap of the mother. Any Wali, Qutb, Ghawth or Qayyum is enabled through the lap and womb of the mother. Thieves, bandits, robbers – these too come from the Tarbiyyah of the mother; in fact from both the lap of the mother, and the love of the father. Allah ta’ala has instilled such an element in the Tarbiyyah of the child that must be done correctly through the lap of the mother and the love of the father. Even the love of the father can spoil the children, for if the father’s love is spoiled, then the child gets spoiled – and also, if the mother’s love is spoiled, then the child gets spoiled. So if you just say ‘Oh, it’s okay – this is for the sake of the child’, then know that you can take the measurement of the wrong kind of love and the right kind of love from whether your child is following the straight path from the time of their birth.
Don’t think ‘Oh, we’ll give Tarbiyyah when the child grows up’ – no, no. At the time when there seems to be no understanding, there is understanding – do you understand what I am saying? Even when we think there is no understanding, actually there is understanding – science proves this. The child takes hold of everything and catches everything and absorbs everything. When the mother and father fight and quarrel, the child absorbs this; it catches the moods, it catches the swearing and the arguments. We think that they will only understand this later, but no – the understanding is there at that time. Your actions, and what you do in front of the child, shape that child, and that is why it is stated that when a man gets married, he should change totally. That’s it, because now a big responsibility is coming towards him. After a few months, Allah subhana wa ta'ala will give him something, and then that is it, he has to take a different direction. They both have to change their direction; if they do not change and improve themselves from whatever he or she was before the marriage, they are not just spoiling themselves, rather they are destroying the generation that is to come, and we will have to give account to Allah for this. So now do you understand the importance, the great importance, of this relationship between the husband and the wife?
Now if this relationship is strong, alhamdulillah, and if Allah ta’ala instills Barakah, and if success comes through this relationship, then SubhanAllah, the whole subject of maintaining the ties comes through this relationship. Wider society is made, the whole of society, through the home. How? The house that a woman goes to live in is representative of the house she has come from – she will give Tarbiyyah to her children in the way that she received this from the lap of her mother and the love of her father. It has a big effect on the child, and this becomes visible in the daughter when she gets married and moves out – the habits transfer. Everyone expresses these desires ‘I want to make my child a Hafidh, I want to make my daughter this or that’, but it does not come like that; first you have to improve yourself and change yourself. And in a house where there are arguments and fights and quarrels, then destruction is there, and the children also go toward destruction. Yes? They become affected mentally and may leave the Deen and go against Allah subhana wa ta'ala. If they go away from Allah, all of the fault lies with who? With that couple. And when he is presented to Allah ta’ala and is accused of saying dirty things, he will say ‘Oh, what could I do? My mother and father taught me this – they didn’t do my Tarbiyyah’ – and then all of those sins go onto the head of the parents.
You may think ‘What has this got to do with Ramadhan? Speak about Ramadhan and the Thawab of Iftar’ and so on – but my style is a little bit different, SubhanAllah. Everybody knows how much Thawab there is in the time of Iftar and how the angels descend. I will tell you today what relationship there is between Ramadhan and this relationship between the husband and wife. I was reading Surah al-Baqarah, SubhanAllah, and when I got to one particular verse, I stopped. This was today, after Jumu’ah. I stopped and said ‘Oh, this is a very valuable verse!’ This was coming in the light of Ramadhan, and we had never thought about the relationship between this relationship and Ramadhan, so I thought about it and pondered over it and I am sharing that with you, presenting it to you. The verse is a bit long, but I will recite it – if there is a mistake, please correct it because I am not a Hafidh. You may like it if I can recite it correctly and remember it.
So what link is there between Ramadhan and the husband-wife relationship; there must be some connection, mustn’t there? That is why I am speaking about it. This relationship is so valuable, so what does Allah ta’ala say about it? Think. {أُحِلَّ لَڪُمۡ لَيۡلَةَ ٱلصِّيَامِ} Allah says ‘I have made something Halal for you – when? SubhanAllah – in the nights of Ramadhan. { أُحِلَّ لَڪُمۡ } In other words, everything that Allah ta’ala had stopped, Allah is saying specifically {أُحِلَّ لَڪُمۡ لَيۡلَةَ ٱلصِّيَامِ} that this is now lawful. Allah is saying ‘I am making something Halal for you in these very valuable nights, Halal.’ What is Allah saying? Allah is saying ‘You can do this’ – and without doubt, if Allah ta’ala is making something Halal, then there must be a big narrative behind this. What is Allah ta’ala making Halal in the night, in the nights of Ramadhan, one of which is Laylat-ul-Qadr? Everything is valuable in those nights of Ramadhan - all their moments are valuable. SubhanAllah – Ajeeb, unique! So what is Allah ta’ala making Halal {أُحِلَّ لَڪُمۡ لَيۡلَةَ ٱلصِّيَامِ}? What I am explaining to you comes in these words:
{أُحِلَّ لَڪُمۡ لَيۡلَةَ ٱلصِّيَامِ ٱلرَّفَثُ إِلَىٰ نِسَآٮِٕكُمۡ}
Allah is saying ‘I am making it Halal for you to go to your wives without any hindrance or barrier.’ In these valuable nights, does Allah ta’ala say ‘Beware, don’t go there – stay on the prayer mat’? No – what does Allah ta’ala say? He says ‘It is lawful for you to go to your wives in the night; this is Halal for you.’ So there is a Hikmah in this, and what is the Hikmah that Allah ta’ala has placed in this? It is that this is such a great relationship, and to strengthen it, Allah ta’ala has given us these thirty days. Don’t stay detached from her. If you were to be cut off from her for thirty days, a Fitnah would be created and a weakness in the relationship might occur. This relationship is so important that during the nights, you need to keep the relationship going, SubhanAllah. Maintain it, because this is a very dangerous relationship – shaytan makes a lot attacks through it.
Hadhrat Jabir radhiAllahu anh relates a Hadith in Miskat that explains how shaytan does everything he can to attack human beings and take them towards wrong. So what does shaytan do? He lays his foundations in the ocean and calls all his trained side-kicks to go and do their work and then return to him and report back to tell him what Fitnah they spread around the countries of the world. These shaytans are told to spread Fitnah and strife across the whole world – murder, plundering, bad atmosphere, sins, and vice – and then to come back in the evening to give shaytan their reports. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam said ‘When the side-kick shayateen come back and say they have incited murder and this or that sin, shaytan says ‘You have done nothing – nothing at all.’ Then another side-kick says ‘I have done something’, so shaytan says ‘What was that?’ He says ‘I went to a husband and wife, and I injected bad feeling and strife between them and did not leave them alone until divorce was pronounced. At this, shaytan stands up from his throne and embraces him’ –Rasooullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam is telling us this – ‘and says “You have done the right work. You have achieved and have done such a big action, because you have destroyed the generations by poisoning that relationship and making them divorce”’ And then Allah’s Nabi sallallahu alayhi wasallam stated that this is the worst and most dangerous thing for a human being.
So Allah ta’ala is saying that you should not leave each other for thirty days and detach in a way that would create Fitnah and separation. Allah ta’ala is keeping the husband and wife close in this way, Allahu Akbar. Allah says {أُحِلَّ لَڪُمۡ لَيۡلَةَ ٱلصِّيَامِ ٱلرَّفَثُ إِلَىٰ نِسَآٮِٕكُمۡۚ هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ۬ لَّكُمۡ} Allah is saying that the love and relationship can be maintained in this way so that Fitnah does not arise. So one point that comes from here, a hint that is made here, is that in every way and form, this relationship must be maintained and kept strong. Every means must be taken to ensure that the relationship does not become weak. When a man and a woman come into Nikah, it must be maintained and strengthened, and there should be effort made by both sides. No Fitnah should be allowed to enter into this relationship, for a big destruction ensues if this does occur. Ramadhan is giving this message.
And then what does the verse say further? {هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ۬ لَّكُمۡ} ‘They are a garment for you.’ In other words ‘Your wife is a garment for you, {وَأَنتُمۡ لِبَاسٌ۬ لَّهُنَّ} and you, oh man are a garment for the woman.’ Allahu Akbar. What does Libaas, a garment, mean here? The commentators have said a beautiful thing. For example, you wear clothes and I am wearing clothes, but if a man takes his shirt off, you can start seeing that there are defects, a boil, a mole, or someone may have had a stomach operation and the scar is visible, or there may be some other disfigurement - but the Libaas, the garment, hides those defects of the whole body. SubhanAllah. The quality of clothes is that they conceal your defects. They can also make you look beautiful, but the first function of clothes is to hide your defects, and they also create Haya, modesty and shame. As soon as the clothes come off, your shame disappears. The first thing that happens to a person who loses their shame is that their clothes come off.
So Allah says {هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ۬ لَّكُمۡ وَأَنتُمۡ لِبَاسٌ۬ لَّهُنَّ} ‘The wife is like a garment for you, and you are like a garment for your wife’ – in other words, you are so close and attached to each other that you conceal each other’s defects. And what is the warning from the Qur’an here? It is ‘Beware - don’t do such an action that you go and tell of each other’s deficiencies.’ So the wife should not say of the husband ‘He does this to me, and he doesn’t give me that, and he won’t do this with me.’ Rather, what does Allah say? He says you should hide your husband’s defects just like your clothes hide your defects. And in the same way, Allah is saying ‘Oh man, keep your wife’s defects secret; conceal them and do not tell other people. Hide them as Libaas hides defects.’ {هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ۬ لَّكُمۡ وَأَنتُمۡ لِبَاسٌ۬ لَّهُنَّ} – both things have been explained here.
So one thing highlighted by the verse is the importance of maintaining this relationship and keeping it strong and not letting it break, and the second thing that is explained is that we should not share each other’s secrets with wider society. Don’t complain about your husband to others, and do not complain about your wife to others – as far as possible, keep these matters secret between yourselves. Both these things are such a big Ibadah, and they require such a great Mujahidah and effort which you will not see in any other Ibadah. Yes? It is not easy to do this. Put all your other Ibadah to one side – everyone can do this. But if you have such a husband that doesn’t give you your rights, who abuses you, who swears at you, who makes you upset, how hard it is for that wife to live with such a husband. And the Qur’an tells the wife not to tell other people about his defects and to have Sabr, patience, and to bring up your children with Sabr, and to take your time and not be in a rush – and the reward that Allah gives for this in Ramadhan is massive! Massive.
Practice this – look how Ramadhan makes us practice this. There are extremely high and valuable rewards for both the husband and the wife that can be gained from this relationship that comes from Allah subhana wa ta'ala. You select and do Istakharah for the marriage, but you don’t know about the person you have got married to until after. Allah ta’ala has written in your destiny that this person will be your partner, so the knot gets tied and the Deen continues like this. The Deen becomes so strong, and the relationship becomes so strong, so don’t just call your mum or dad over tiny little points and complain ‘Oh, he did this’, or the husband phones his parents or complains to his relatives and other people. But Allah says that this is an extremely bad action to do, to let the secrets go beyond the home. This is not Deen. You may be praying Salah and going on Hajj and doing other acts of worship besides, but this is not Deen. If you have crushed the biggest pillar of Deen, then what are you wandering around doing after that? What Salah have you got, what Hajj, what fasting, what Ramadhan? Nothing. You have crushed the real Deen; you have suppressed it and have destroyed the generations that are to come.
But if a person perseveres with this Mujahidah throughout his life, then a great reward has been set aside for that person. Allah’s Nabi sallallahu alayhi wasallam has told us in a Sahih Hadith about what a massive reward there is. “خَيْرُكُمْ خَيْرُكُمْ لِأَهْلِهِ وَأَنَا خَيْرُكُمْ لِأَهْلِي” This is the Hadith, a Sahih Bukhari Hadith, SubhanAllah. Allah’s Nabi sallallahu alayhi wasallam states ‘The best human being is he who is best with his family.’ Ibadah is not mentioned in this Hadith – this is Akhlaq. ‘The best human being is he who is best with his family, who is good with his family’ – he is the best human being. In Akhlaq, in conduct, in manners, in perseverance, in endurance, even if it is a small thing. He has patience and he waits, thinking ‘I have to maintain this relationship; I have to keep it going; I have to bring up my children properly and take this relationship right to the end. I am not going to break it over small things.’ Even a small thing has a big mission behind it, because you are being told ‘You have live your life with this woman, and if you don’t like what she is saying or doing, whatever, you need to maintain that tie. Allah ta’ala has given you this target, so good – carry on now.’
So you need to please your wife and you need to worship Allah subhana wa ta'ala. You need to keep her happy and you also need to go on Hajj – but look at your family first. Before going on Hajj, ask - is your wife happy with you? Are the members of your family happy with you? Are they content? Have you supplied them with what they need? It is not as simple as just giving a divorce. Yes, it is permissible, but in the Hadith it says that of all the permissible things, that which is disliked the most is divorce, to break the tie of marriage. Yes, if there are very severe conditions and it is very difficult indeed, so extremely difficult that there is totally no way out, no solution and no other way, only right at the end of the line is that step of divorce taken – otherwise, you should be mending the tie and maintaining the tie, keeping it going. On every footstep of this path, there is Paradise – the Thawab of several Hajj is available for every footstep of marriage, the Thawab of fasting several Ramadhans can be gained from every footstep of marriage. We don’t even realise the rewards that can be attained.
So this is the real point that we learn here. The real Ibadah of the friends of Allah is maintaining the ties, keeping the relationships, good conduct, good manners. Look how Allah’s Nabi sallallahu alayhi wasallam did Tarbiyyah of his children. What a great point he made. He said that when the mother and father get together, and then do the Tarbiyyah of their children and bring them up correctly and maintain the ties, then Rasoolulah sallallahu alayhi wasallam explained that you cannot get the Thawab for this from any other Ibadah. If you think about the reward that Allah’s Nabi sallallahu alayhi wasallam stated in the Hadith, where he said that any individual who brings up two daughters correctly, SubhanAllah, and does Tarbiyyah of his daughters in the right way, with Sulook and teaching them the right manners, then he said ‘That person will be as close to me in Jannah as my two fingers are close to each other’ – and then he showed his two fingers together. Allahu Akbar! He said this about two daughters, and if you have got more than two daughters, if you have three daughters, then SubhanAllah, then Allah ta’ala has reserved even more reward there. And this special reward is for what? The woman is said to be weak and tender, but this is not mentioned for the son. What is the reason for this? Think about it. The woman’s Tarbiyyah is specially mentioned here because she has to go to another house when she gets married. She has to move to another home and continue that work, and so these daughters that we are afraid of are such a valuable thing.
We are afraid of having daughters, and when a daughter is born, very few people give out sweets – whereas before the son is even born, boxes of sweets are being distributed. Alhamdulillah, that is a good thing – nothing wrong with that. But what is the reason here that Allah’s Nabi sallallahu alayhi wasallam preferred that you bring up your daughters well? How else will Deen continue? Our Hadhrat rahmatullah alayh had three daughters, MashaAllah. He had three children, and they passed away in the love of Allah. Three daughters, SubhanAllah – and with this Sunnah, Allah ta’ala also gave me three daughters with the Fadhl of Allah. SubhanAllah – so we see the benefits of this if you do the Tarbiyyah of three daughters and bring them up correctly and give them good education and upbringing and teaching. Look at the generations and how life passes through, and this is all about Tarbiyyah. Crush your desires and your longings and your wants. Tarbiyyah is not about asking the child what she wants and then giving her whatever she asks for – this is not Tarbiyyah. Tabiyyah is this, that after departing the world, she also gives birth to children who believe in Allah and His Rasool sallallahu alayhi wasallam and who obey them and follow Rasool sallallahu alayhi wasallam. This is Tarbiyyah - that a Wali and a Ghawth is born from such a child. We should think ‘Ya Allah, I have got a mission that I want to make Walis from the children that you give to me!’
Alhamdulillah, even today there are such people present that the parents change themselves prior to the child being born, and the target of the mother becomes this, that ‘Oh Allah, I want to live a life that makes my children Ghulams of Your Habeeb sallallahu alayhi wasallam, so that my child follows the Sunnah.’ All of their love and their playing and their clothes are directed towards this. As soon as the child is born, they say ‘I want to treat my child in such a way that they live their life like this.’ There are women like this – I can show you many women like this. In this day and age and in this country, you can find such women. The difference is what? It is that we think that Deen is just confined to the Masjid, but if you sit in the company of the Faqirs, of the Walis of Allah, they do not consider Deen just as worship - rather the whole of life are branches of the Deen, SubhanAllah. Their parents told them that everything is an aspect of the Deen. In the gatherings of the Wali of Allah, you don’t just get told one thing. All the subjects are taught so that the complete Madhhab and Deen is learned, so that we can be successful in every subject and in every factor of life.
So Ramadhan tells us this today, alhamdulillah, that this great relationship is not a minor thing. You have to maintain this relationship, and this is a great Ibadah and a great worship. If every woman has the intention to bring up her children for this reason, to make them a Hafidh and a Qari and a Wali of Allah, then, my brothers, the result of this comes out. But for this, you have to do Mujahidaat and strive and make effort. You may have to endure hunger, poverty, people swearing at you and mocking you, but Allah has reserved a reward for this, and it is not a small reward, is it? What has been stated? You will get that same love of Allah’s Nabi sallallahu alayhi wasallam, and you will be in his neighborhood – you be as close to him as two fingers are close. How close this is, we do not know. What a great Maqam if a person gets this through this Ibadah and gives up everything to maintain this relationship!
So this verse is very valuable, and Allah has presented this to us in the light of Ramadhan. And Allah has given us this permission not for the sake of passions and desires, but rather so that during Ramadhan, the relationship retains its Barakah and blessings. And remember this, that during Ramadhan, there is a lot of friction between husband and wife – the Nafs creates that; there is a lot of Fasaad. When it is time for food at Sehri time, he says ‘Why did you cook this food’ or ‘Why didn’t you make this.’ This is especially the case when the stomach is empty and the Nafs overpowers the man, so then the husband and wife start fighting and quarrelling in the house. But in the beginning of Ramadhan, Allah ta’ala says we should control ourselves strongly. The best person is he whose children bear witness in the Hereafter and say ‘My father was good and gave me good Tarbiyyah and brought me towards the Deen and saved me. He made big sacrifices for me and did not allow a single morsel of Haram to come into my blood. He didn’t allow a single morsel of Haram food to go into my blood system. He worked hard and struggled to earn Halal income so that not a morsel of Haram food would go inside me.’ And when the blood is clean, then a person gets the enjoyment of remembering Allah – this is where it starts from.
This is the biggest responsibility of the father, to earn Halal, just like the biggest responsibility of the mother is to instill the love of Allah into the child from her lap, from her company. In the same way, the man has his responsibility. The whole Deen is made how? From a person’s food, from what he eats. And this is a topic of Ramadhan – this will come, and Ramadhan will also train us on this point. Everything of a human being, all of his actions, are made from the food that he eats. If he eats Halal food from Halal earnings, then you will see the Deen emerge. You can get a Hafidh from Haram earnings, and you can get an Alim from Haram, and you can get a Mufti from Haram, and you can rear children and become a Sheikh or a Pir, but all of these will be fake. The Hafidh, the Qari, the Mufti, the Pir – they will be like flowers growing from a weak place. You see some flowers that grow from a weak plant. Those flowers have weak stems and weak branches, because they don’t have the power and the strength. There is no vitality in the soil, although it may give a few mangos. But if you have such a Hafidh and a Qari and a Pir who is made from a weak plant, from Haram Rizq, then Fitnah will be spread by that person. All of that sin will go onto the father, who will be asked ‘You made him an Alim, but did you not think that you should have placed Halal Rizq inside him? Why did you feed him Haram?’ So the father will understand then. If he had had the Tarbiyyah of a true friend of Allah, then as soon as he was born, he would swear by Allah and say ‘Today, the door of Haram is closed.’ And the mother is prepared for this also and says ‘If you are doing this for the sake of the children, then I will never ask for gold or silver or clothes or powder or make-up from you. I will stay hungry, but you earn Halal for our children, and I will teach them in my lap so that ‘Qala Qala Rasoolullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam’ will come out of their mouths.’ SubhanAllah.
Do you understand what I am saying? We complain, and we get up and make this and that complaint about our children, but understand the principles involved here. When a farmer sows a seed, he looks at the soil. When you get married, it is not just about lust and enjoying yourselves – to a certain extent, yes – but the real objective that the Qur’an is telling us is that the relationship with your wife is a great Ibadah. Both Makkah and Madinah will be present in your home. Either Paradise or hellfire can come into your home. This is such a relationship that generations will continue until Qiyamah from it, but we do not know about our Rizq. If the father does not save his income from Haram, then he takes his children towards the other side; he directs them towards high status in the world, saying ‘I don’t want people to say that my son does not have good clothes or has not had a good education. I want to give him many houses and properties!’
Oh, son of man, have you ever seen someone leaving the world with a house or a property? If you give your son a house, he won’t even give you water to drink if he was brought up in a Haram way. There will be no satisfaction in that home, even if it is claimed ‘He is a Hafidh, he is this he is that.’ Such a Hafidh that comes out from there will also be based in Haram and will spread Fitnah and Fasaad – they will sit on the Mimbar and spread Fitnah to the people. Their Pirs will be saying the wrong things to people and will spread Bida’aat and Haram; they will sit on the Mimbar and say Haram words. Why? Because they were brought up for the wrong purpose and they didn’t have Halal Rizq in their bodies. When those with Halal Rizq sit on the Mimbar of Rasoolullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam, then SubhanAllah, such light will come from his tongue that just through one Nasihah, thousands of people’s hearts are changed for the better. When such a Sheikh comes, from just one Tawajjuh of his upon the gathering, he will wash their hearts.
Do you think it is a minor thing, for the Imam to stand on the Musalla? Is the Qur’an and ‘Ilm a small thing? Will it not have an impact? It has a high impact, and a person should tremble. The Qur’an is in the hearts, but some people today, Astaghfirullah, even in Ramadhan, they are lying, doing fraud, fighting quarrelling and having disputes. Such words come out that a person would think ‘Could there be Qur’an inside this person? Is there knowledge inside of him?’ There is such disobedience and such wrong actions, even against the mother and father, dishonouring them, swearing at the mother. The Qur’an is in their heart, but they are stood there swearing at their mother and dishonouring and disrespecting their father, despite the ‘Ilm that has been given to them. Why? Because that child did not grow up with Halal Rizq. Astaghfirullah, Astaghfirullah, it is not the fault of the ‘Ilm or of the Qur’an. Rather, we put that Qur’an in the wrong place, on the wrong rail, on the wrong shelf. You have put the Qur’an into an impure heart, and you will get a separate punishment for that.
Today, I am sharing this Masa’alah from what I read in the Qur’an – have I read it correctly brothers? Do you understand what I am saying? So I thought to myself ‘Let me just stop there and talk about this.’ This is a reality and truth. Ramadhan has given us this message, and if in this Ramadhan we have pondered and reflected and done Tawbah today, if we think about this and correct your path today, then through the Barakah of Ramadhan, your whole year will be corrected. Today, we swear at the children and say ‘I made you a scholar and I did this for you and that for you’ – this is a statement you hear from the men to their children. ‘I sacrificed for you, I spent time for you, I did this for you.’ You did not do anything for your children, oh man! You should just do one action for your children, one action: do not feed your children Haram, do not go towards their Haram desires and give them Haram food. Give Halal food.
I swear by Allah, nobody can change the laws of Allah. It cannot be that you get an apple from the branch of a mango tree. Can this happen? No. If you sow the seed into Haram soil, then the colour will not take effect, and it doesn’t matter how much Qur’an they read or how much Qira’at you teach them. Whatever you do, it does not matter – there can be no success. For this, the first thing a person needs to do is to crush his own desires in order to get the fruit from that tree. First, he has to stay hungry himself and crush his desires and enjoyment, thinking ‘Rather than feed my son Haram, I will stay hungry myself and eat properly myself.’ You can’t do Tarbiyyah if you leave your home for ten or fifteen years, not knowing where your wife is. The uncles and aunties are bringing up the children, and you are going somewhere else. Can someone else do the Tarbiyyah of your children? If others do the Tarbiyyah, who will give the answer for this? Yes? My words may be severe and strict, but even if you don’t find anything to eat where you are living, first give the Tarbiyyah to your son and your daughter – this is your duty. Could it be that maybe Halal has not gone into that child? Maybe that is why the child is doing wrong. So how can it be that Allah gives me a gift of children, and then I assign their Tarbiyyah to someone else – can this happen? This is a big mistake in society today. We just have one objective in front of ourselves today, to do Hajj, to do Umrah, and when Ramadhan comes to keep the fast and do this Ibadah and that Ibadah. Where is the Deen of your family? You don’t know about your wife, your children and your family.
So the Qur’an is telling us this today, SubhanAllah. Allah says {أُحِلَّ لَڪُمۡ لَيۡلَةَ ٱلصِّيَامِ ٱلرَّفَثُ} – ‘I have made your wives lawful for you.’ What is the philosophy behind this? This is so that your relationship with your wife becomes stronger and so that you have more love between you and so that the generations can increase, and so that those that are born from you have more capacity to do good if you can do their Tarbiyyah in the right way.
May Allah ta’ala give us all the Tawfeeq to do proper Amal on these beautiful points of Ramadhan, so that we can correct ourselves and others. It is not hard to correct the household – you just have to give up a few things for this. And why are you giving things up? To please Allah. And don’t think that when you make sacrifices to please Allah that there is no reward – no. If for Allah’s sake, you please Allah in this matter, what a great reward there is. Rasoolullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam says ‘You will be with me as close as these two fingers are close to each other.’ Tell me, can you get this for any other Ibadah? Has Rasoolullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam said that you will be as close to him as two fingers after doing Hajj, or as close to him as two fingers after doing Umrah? Did he say that? Did he say that you would be as close to him as two fingers if you stay awake all night long in Ibadah? He never said that. He said this about such an Ibadah that your whole life is spent with this Ibadah.
May Allah ta’ala give us all the Tawfeeq. Ameen.